My Blessing

I have been wanting to write a post on this for awhile, but for some reason I haven't been able to find the words.  Maybe it is because it is very personal or because it covers things that you can't understand unless you have been through it. I'm not even sure if I will accomplish it tonight but I am going to try.

The 'blessing' started last September.  The part that is hardest for me to understand was that this 'blessing' started when a 'real' blessing happened.  Hansen came home in September after a year of being gone and that was wonderful but at the same time, I had this dark spot in my mind.  No matter what happiness was going on in my life I couldn't shake this dark spot.  Nothing seemed to help, in all honesty most happy things made it worse.  I was in a terrible cycle of not being able to shake this and being upset with myself for not being happy which in turn made me more upset which made me feel worse... well you get the idea.  I had become what I consider to be a 'couch mom'.  No matter what I did or what I tried I couldn't get myself to interact with my kids.  I couldn't bring myself to get off the couch.

After a HUGE break down Hansen convinced me that I needed to go talk to someone and figure out what was going on, because sitting on the couch wasn't cutting it.  I was scared.  Scared that they would tell me I couldn't be a mom anymore or that something was really wrong but they didn't know what.  I remember sitting in my car, looking at my hands and realizing that they were shaking. I couldn't get them to stop.  No amount of breathing or holding could calm them down.

The first words out of the Dr's mouth were, "Being here doesn't make you any less of a mom then anyone else".  Those were the exact words that I needed to hear.  That one sentence let me know that this was fixable and that I wasn't the only one that felt this way.  I could finally breath.  Breath because I knew that I didn't have to be ashamed of me anymore.  I could breath because depression is real.  I have only met with that Dr once but he kept reminding me that being depressed didn't make me less of a woman, mom or wife, it just meant that I needed a little help to get back to where I wanted to be.

I came home that night with a bottle of meds, some reassurance but a whole new set of worries.  I knew that I needed the meds to help me function and get to where I wanted to be but I was scared of the label that would be placed on me if I let people know that I was taking them.  It didn't matter that I knew being depressed didn't make me a bad person, it mattered because I was worried about what people would think.

At Christmas our families were supposed to get together at our house and have a big celebration because the boys were home and it was Aydens first Christmas.  That didn't happen.  Because of many reasons feelings were hurt and the blame was put on me. One side of the family was here and noticed that I had greatly improved, I still had a long way to go till i was back to 'normal' but I was at least able to get up off the couch and function.  I really wrestled for a couple days over the accusations.  I cried and prayed and came to realize that if I apologized for something that I had no control over then I would be telling them that I cared what they thought.

Slowly over the months I have been able to come out from behind the clouds and start figuring out what kind of a friend, wife, mom and woman that I want to be.  I would have never thought that being depressed could be a blessing.  I never thought that being depressed would make me look at my life and realize every little blessing that I have.  Depression has made me realize just how much I have been blessed but didn't realize it because it was covered with 'clouds'.  Clouds of abuse of every kind, pain because of friendships, pain of lost dreams, and pain of plans gone bad. The words to this song fit this topic so well... http://www.klove.com/music/artists/laura-story/songs/blessings-lyrics.aspx

So many times we look at bad things being a problem.  Many times they are at the time but later can turn into blessings.  The biggest blessing I have found from my depression, at the moment, is that I don't need to please everyone around me.  It is OK to think about myself every once in awhile.  I think many times as women we worry about what others think to the point that we forget about ourselves.  I know that I am guilty of that and have a really hard time taking the time to focus on me.  Even something as small as taking a shower everyday is hard for me because I see it as time that I could be doing something for my kids, husband or friends.  Through this depression I have realized that I can't take care of my family if I don't take care of myself, even if it is a simple as taking a shower at some point during the day.

There are many more story's to add to my blessings list but I think I will stop with this story.  The depression journey is not over for me.  I still have a ways to go before I reach the end of the tunnel.  I will keep writing about it and hope that my story will help someone else.

What is a Super Mom?

As I sit here getting ready to write this I am staring at the fact that I failed miserably today when it comes to being a super mom.  There is a load of laundry still in the washer and dryer, a mountainous pile of clean clothes needing to be folded on the floor of my bedroom, neither bathroom got cleaned today, and the floors need swept and mopped.  Or there is the other way I can look at this, I made a cake with Jordan for St. Patricks Day, washed the dishes, planned tomorrows lunch and supper, made a cardboard tunnel with my kids, decided on a theme for Aydens 1st birthday, went to the chiropractor and took a shower.

A couple days ago a friend wrote a blog post about being a super mom.  It got me thinking about all the different ways that we can classify 'super'.  The following in NO WAY is meant to make fun of anyone or thing, it is to help you laugh and realize that being 'super' or not doesn't make you a bad mom.  It just means that everyone sees it differently.  So here it goes...

10 ways to know if you are or sometimes are a 'Super Mom'...

1. You can clean your house COMPLETELY in 15 minutes or less.
2. You can go to the grocery store and Costco, in under 2 hrs with 2 little kids and be able to function afterwards
3. You can be doing laundry, dishes, fixing lunch, holding a child and playing with another while talking on the phone.
4. Your house is clean
5. You can turn any situation into a learning situation
6. Your version of 'vacation' is going to the grocery store alone
7. Your husband comes home to a messy house, messy but happy kids, dirty dishes and you still in your pj's and just smiles.
8. Work out?  What is this strange phrase you speak of?
9. You can clean your house, fix 3 meals, do x number loads of laundry, pay bills, play with your kids, go grocery shopping and talk to friends on 4 hrs or less of sleep
10. You do it everyday.  It called being a mom.  Just being a mom gives you powers that no super hero could ever handle. 

That last one is all that really matters.  Don't let anyone ever tell you that being a mom isn't important or exhausting.  There isn't any other job that is 24/7 all the time.  Every single mom, in my opinion, is a super mom not matter what you accomplish that day.

TGIF? Really?

Yes, I am aware that I have not written for months.  I am sorry and promise to catch up, eventually.  Tonight is going to be a rant.  A rant that has been in my head for the past 9 1/2 months just waiting to get out. 

Everytime I read or hear someone talking about TGIF I gringe.  I don't look forward to Friday.  I despise Friday's.  I have actually found myself being in a bad mood when I wake up on Fridays.  Fridays have become the beginning of the hardest 3 days of the week for me.  I struggle to smile on Fridays.  Fridays are supposed to be the day that you prepare yourself for Sabbath.  Well, Friday to me at the moment is the prep day for the longest day of the week.  Sabbaths to me are not enjoyable.  I dread them all week.  It is the day that seems to never end.  I wish this were not the case but I would be lying if I told you that I look forward to Sabbaths.

I used to look forward to the weekends.  It meant seeing friends at church, singing, hearing a sermon, then a good lunch and a relaxing afternoon doing something that I enjoy but don't get the chance to do during the week.  It is supposed to be a time to rejuvinate yourself.  Not for this mom.  This mom is more exhausted at the end of the Sabbath day then she is at the end of the entire week.  I don't enjoy going to Sabbath school or church.  I desperatly want to, but can't find the energy.  I wake up early so that I can at least get a shower before the kids wake up.  Then I have to feed both of them, get all 3 of us dressed and out the door to sabbath school.  Then I wrestle with the youngest because she wants to cruise the chairs and touch the other kids.  Then during church I wrestle with both so that they are quiet and don't make a mess.  Then it is home to a rushed lunch and then naps.  By the time naps are over it is close to dinner time and then bed time.  There isn't time to go do anything.  Bedtime is so early that I can't take them with me anywhere and messing up the schedual really makes it worse.  So, most Saturday nights I find myself sitting a lone messing around on facebook hoping that there will be someone to talk too.

With all of this comes a realization.  Today was horrible.  I didn't get the house clean at all and there are dishes stacked in the sink.  It felt like I did nothing but butt heads with my kids.  Not only that, today was the start of Hansen not being home for four days straight.  I counted down the time for bedtime, knowing that it was also going to be a fight.  Bathtime is always difficult when it is 2 vs 1.  Someone is always going to get upset.  I got frustrated and yelled, which isn't ok but in the moment was the only thing that my mind could come up with to do.  After much crying from all 3 of us, I got 1 in bed and a bottle ready for the 2nd, who at this point had been crying for about 15 minutes.  She was up to a full blown scream and then got her bottle.  I knew that was what she wanted/needed I just had to have the hands to do it.  She snuggled down into my arms and looked up at me with big blue eye's.  Eye's that were saying thank you.  Thank you for feeding me, and loving me.  Eye's that said she loved me even though I had gotten frustrated and not done the dishes today. 

As I gazed around the room I realized something.  Its not about how clean the house is or if the dishes are washed.  Its not about whether I enjoy friday's or sabbaths.  Its about my kids.  Its about the hugs, the laughs, the tears and the smiles.  Its not about the laundry or the toys strewn across the living room.  Its about the giggles in the bathtub and the sound of '1,2 4,5,6,8,9,10!!!!!' screamed as one runs around the house pretending that they are going to fight a fire.  It is about the joy on a face when I come into the room to get them out of their crib, or the excitement that is sounded when daddy gets home from work.  As I gazed down at my daughter now sleeping in my arms all I could do was cry.  I should be so thankful for everything that I have.  I have two loving kids that are healthy and happy.  I have a hard working, caring, wonderful husband that my kids adore. 

I realized that I got stuck in my own head.  Stuck so much that I couldn't see past the fact that the pile of laundry in my room isn't getting smaller and that my house looks like a hurricane hit it.  Getting stuck is something that is becoming a habit for me.  A habit that I want to break.  I want to be the mom that is thanking God that it is Friday and looking forward to the Sabbath.  In order for me to do that I need to stop looking at the 'bad' things and look at the house through my kids eye's.  There eye's are the only ones that I should worry about, because if they start questioning TGIF then, I need look at myself and change the outlook on the week.

Dare i say success?

The last two days with Jordan have been AMAZING!  He has been in big boy underwear for the last 2 days and hasn't had any accidents!  Nights, well, I am not to worried about them at the moment.  Just trying to get the days down so when Hansen comes home we won't have to deal with that!

Went to my first Step class today.  Man, I didn't realize having 2 kids 2 years apart would make me SO out of shape.  Half the class was made up of women that could be my mom or grandma... Oh well, I kept up and they said they were impressed.  Man, I hope I can walk tomorrow!  Not much happening right now.  Guess I will close and head to bed early!  Happy Sabbath.

One of those days

It has been one of those days that just starts off on the wrong side of the bed.  The kind where you know things are gonna go wrong no matter what you do to try and avoid it.  Jordan got scared awake this morning to thunder so that threw him into a bad mood that just never ended.  Ayden woke up with a stuffed nose because of teething.  That's right, my 3 month old is getting her first tooth.  I just felt off today.  Not really sure why, I just didn't feel good.

Coffee didn't even help me today.  I am sitting here writing at 10:30 pm, Jordan is still throwing a fit in his room refusing to go to sleep.  I have a load of laundry to fold and a TON of dirty dishes staring at me.  I know that all these things will be here tomorrow its just the thought of waking up to this disaster.

We did get a nice walk in!  Even in all the craziness that I call my life little glimmers of sun do shine.  Even on the bad days.  We got to skype with Hansen today.  Starting to get things set up for him to come home!  Jordan didn't have any accidents today with potty training.  He wore his big boy underwear today on our walk!  We also made a dash to Target and he was just fine!  I am trying really hard to remind myself, that he will only be 2 once!  It is days/nights like this, that, that is the only thing that keeps me from screaming... well, that and a sleeping 3 month old...

The journey of Potty Training...

Yes, I have entered the zone of no more diapers!  Except at night for Jordan.  He is doing really well with the potty training.  The first week was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!  More laundry then I want to think about and more floor cleaning then any one mom should have to do.  I ditched the pull-up idea and went straight to underwear.  Pull-ups were to much like diapers and had no affect on him.  Now we are to the point of him telling me when he has to go before he goes.  If we make it to the bathroom... that is another story.

My little boy is growing up really fast.  I know that I am pushing this new stage but he is taking to it really well.  I am not worrying about night time just yet.  Just happy that we are experiencing success with daytime/nap time.  The other day while sitting on the potty, he looked at me, pointed to himself and said, "Big boy now."  He is understanding that he is growing up and that is really cool to see.

My little princess is also growing and changing by the day.  She loves her brother a lot.  Smiles whenever he is talking and tries to see him if he is out of her sight.  She made her daddy's day this week when she heard him on skype and looked around for his voice.  So nice to see that she knows who he is by sound.  Hoping that the transition of him coming home will go smoothly for his sake. 

We do have a come home date but are not able to share yet.  Just know that the end is in sight!  Well, both kids are finally asleep and I need to head that way myself. 

Busy Busy

Well, I knew this would be hard to keep up with after I had Ayden but I am really trying.  Things are getting better!  Ayden and I have had some real struggles with our nursing relationship, and sadly had to give it up this last week.  I had my milk tested because she was screaming constantly and wasn't content after nursing for over an hour at a time... Well, I am not providing her with the fat that she needed to be satisfied, so we were forced to go on formula.  I went through this with Jordan as well.  Oh well, at least I know I won't have to do it again!

Now that she is getting the nutrition that she needs she is a much happier baby, and brother and mommy are happier as well.  Jordan is adjusting well to having a sister, but man, he has hit the terrible two's!  Screaming, fits, stomping on the floor and telling me NO are a common place in our day now.  It is interesting to see how different he is when we are out with other people compared to him at home.... He isn't the little angel everyone thinks he is...

Hansen made it back to Iraq safely, but has been SUPER busy since he got back.  We haven't been able to talk much and that is making this hard, but we are over half way finished with the deployment!  I do know that we are coming out stronger as a couple, and as individuals.  Who knew that a war could make two people more in love and better individuals... That is about all that has gone on in my life the past two months.  I am starting the journey of potty training with Jordan here in the next few weeks.  Prayers would be greatly appreciated!